The days

Not like me

I must say that my stress level has been rising slowly but surely over the past few days. Guess my oncoming driving test attributes alot to this recent uptight feelings. I feel unsecure and low on confidence. Never had I felt this way before. Its not like me to have such low confidence. Secretly, I am telling myself "I don't want to fail". A couple of years back, you will hear me saying "I have every reason to excel".

Driving is one thing. Its the change in attitude and my declining level of confidence with new things that is actually worrying me. Could it be due to the fact that I have become susceptible to negative thoughts? On a more positive note, its good to know whats actually going on up there in my "metaphysical" self. Its shows that, afterall, my emotional defense system is still up.

A few days back, guojun said something about carrying one's feelings by the sleeves. He said it makes one vulnerable to being hurt by others. I told him quite frankly that I don't believe that now. I didn't understand? Quite the opposite. I shared the same mentality some time back. Then I learnt that no one is out to hurt others intentionally. Even if there are such people who are out to prick other's feelings, it has got nothing to do with exposing your emotions to the "public". Its all about resilience and courage. If your mind is frail, you get hurt no matter how deep you try to hide, or protect your emotions with your ego. You will still find it hurting someday. You fail to grow up emotionally because its all sheltered from the wind. Worse, you find it decaying. Then, you realise you have no one to blame for this hurting heart.

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It never cease to puzzle me. Why did such a prodigy, master of the mind, fall victim to such mental turmoil. Zon was strong. He had always been the better of the twins, superceeding zen's rational mind with his bizzare logic. How can such a person possibly suffer from mental breakdown. Losing grip of his identity, he argued with himself. Argued with an imaginary twin brother who is not there. He gave zen space to live within himself. Zen survived in him.

Amazingly, he recovered and eventually became stronger as the years passed by. Becoming a puppet master of human emotions and reasons. It seemed that during the 2 years he spent in mental institution, he learnt profoundly important: Emotions are equally powerful as reasons. They compliment each other.

posted by zente @ 7:59 AM